Thursday, June 21, 2007
Day ?
Doing well...! A few days ago, I had an interesting situation. I ended up taking the kids out for ice cream to cheer them up after something else didn't work out. Kozhin didn't like his ice cream (??) and I was faced with a big thing of ice cream in front of me that nobody was going to eat! What's worse, it had nasty little pieces of chocolate-covered waffle cone in it. Blech! I ate a few bites, which turned into about half a cup of it, and, though I don't know if there was a connection for sure, that night, I suddenly was hit with a TERRIBLE migraine. The air quality was also horrible that day, and I was starting to ovulate, but I'm sure the nasty ice cream didn't help. Why am I even giving that to my kids (it was Dairy Queen--I think every once in a while something like that is ok, but it was just really kind of gross...)? So...I took Advil, which sort of helped, but not totally, and then came home and made myself some coffee...medicinally. What do you know--it totally worked, my headache was almost gone that night and mostly gone the next morning. I'm back to no coffee, which is great, because I know I can use it medicinally and occasionally and go back to not drinking it habitually every morning. In fact, knowing I've had some actually kind of makes me not want to have it as much. I was going to say it "strengthens my resolve" but that's actually not at all what it's doing. Before, I felt like for a few days there it was pure will power and teeth clenching that was keeping me away from certain things, but now it's a more relaxed feeling of, "why bother?"--there are healthier things to eat and drink instead. :)
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Doing Well
Doing well...again, that is, it's easy to forget that yesterday I was in an absolutely AWFUL mood! Since I'm not often in an awful mood, it's very noticeable (and disconcerting) when I am. I was pissed off about everything. Yesterday if I'd written I would have felt like getting into it, but not right now. Suffice it to say that without coffee and sugar to lift me out of pissiness, I had to deal with my emotions instead. They both certainly would have instantly caused the pissiness to vanish. Today was wonderful, still doing well with avoiding the tabu food and drink, though I didn't have enough time to cook today so everything was a bit snacky.
I still think I will do this (this strictly) only temporarily, repeating it in the future as a physical and spiritual cleansing, but I also anticipate that I will not soon go back to the point where I'll want to dip a dozen doughnuts in coffee in one sitting. :) Considering that oatmeal with butter and coconut oil or flax seed oil tastes almost sweet to me now, I think a little will be satisfying enough. A granny smith apple today tasted almost too sweet. Also I've been forced to cook and bake in new ways that I can turn to in the future out of experience. And maybe a single espresso with cream, in the afternoon, will be enough too.
To be perfectly honest too, I'm a bit weary of analyzing all this so much. I'm looking forward to reaping the rewards of looking back on the experience, and eating and drinking without thinking about it so much. I hope that certain things, like drinking lots of water, cooking more greens, and the increased conscientiousness about my teeth, will have become habits.
I still think I will do this (this strictly) only temporarily, repeating it in the future as a physical and spiritual cleansing, but I also anticipate that I will not soon go back to the point where I'll want to dip a dozen doughnuts in coffee in one sitting. :) Considering that oatmeal with butter and coconut oil or flax seed oil tastes almost sweet to me now, I think a little will be satisfying enough. A granny smith apple today tasted almost too sweet. Also I've been forced to cook and bake in new ways that I can turn to in the future out of experience. And maybe a single espresso with cream, in the afternoon, will be enough too.
To be perfectly honest too, I'm a bit weary of analyzing all this so much. I'm looking forward to reaping the rewards of looking back on the experience, and eating and drinking without thinking about it so much. I hope that certain things, like drinking lots of water, cooking more greens, and the increased conscientiousness about my teeth, will have become habits.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Note
Oh, another thing: next time I feel like adding something to my lifestyle change attempts, it should probably be getting more sleep. Going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. I've always loved staying up late, but since I was probably running on credit for a while there, it's no wonder I'm a bit tired.
Day 15
Doing well (fell asleep last night), except I'm still TIRED. Not tired like I want to fall asleep but tired like slow-moving and not bursting with energy like I'm used to.
For breakfast we had mixed whole-grain toast with butter and a fried egg on top and fresh strawberries with seven stars maple yogurt (I missed ordering from the farm last week and don't have any yogurt!). It was beautiful to look at. Drank homemade beet kvass along with plenty of water.
For lunch fried potatoes with green salad and parsley and leftover leftover veggie fritters (I made the fritters yesterday from leftover mashed sweet potatoes and kale, and today the fritters were left over), some slices of cheddar cheese.
Same thing for dinner, with cortido, plus some homemade Rote Gruetze (ok, it's sweet, but only with a tiny bit of raw honey: fresh strawberries cooked in water and a little honey with tapioca pearls and chilled). More beet kvass and some very lightly sweetened (raw honey) lemonade.
Yesterday I braved La Madeleine with Pshko and kids. Now THAT was a challenge. The smell of the French roast coffee almost knocked me over. Then everybody else ordered dessert, giving me the double whammy of not having any and feeling guilty that the kids were eating what I was avoiding for health reasons (they also had a spinach quiche each).
I wonder how people who are trying to do diets like Adkins or getting rid of candida and can't do any sugars or carbs whatsoever do it. I guess it would get easier after a while, but it's hard for me to imagine not even having a little fruit. As is clear from my food descriptions, I've been far from sugar-free. But it's MUCH less than what I'm used to, and nothing processed...
What has been helping (or maybe I'm craving it now that the sugar and coffee are out?) are sour foods. When I crave sweets, I feel like I'm craving a brightness that's missing, and there's something bright about tart foods. Tomatoes, kim chee... I even really enjoyed water with a little 100% cranberry juice the other day. It even tasted a little sweet to me (?). I can't imagine drinking a glass of store-bought apple juice or other sweet juice--it would seem sickeningly sweet to me. The kids have been drinking lots more water since I've been doing this and not even asking for juice (except tonight when they wanted Orangina so we squeezed the lemons instead).
I'll have to see what I think about all this after the month+ is over, but today I was thinking (as I was moving along at a snail's pace) that if I feel like I can't/don't want to do this all the time (I find it hard to imagine), that at least I'll cut down on sugar and white flour and keep off the coffee, but go on a fast from them a few times a year like what I'm doing now. If meditating and deep relaxation even a few minutes a day makes a difference, then doing this not all the time but a few times a year would be bound to make a difference too, especially if it's more likely to happen that way than if I try to do it all the time. Who knows?
For breakfast we had mixed whole-grain toast with butter and a fried egg on top and fresh strawberries with seven stars maple yogurt (I missed ordering from the farm last week and don't have any yogurt!). It was beautiful to look at. Drank homemade beet kvass along with plenty of water.
For lunch fried potatoes with green salad and parsley and leftover leftover veggie fritters (I made the fritters yesterday from leftover mashed sweet potatoes and kale, and today the fritters were left over), some slices of cheddar cheese.
Same thing for dinner, with cortido, plus some homemade Rote Gruetze (ok, it's sweet, but only with a tiny bit of raw honey: fresh strawberries cooked in water and a little honey with tapioca pearls and chilled). More beet kvass and some very lightly sweetened (raw honey) lemonade.
Yesterday I braved La Madeleine with Pshko and kids. Now THAT was a challenge. The smell of the French roast coffee almost knocked me over. Then everybody else ordered dessert, giving me the double whammy of not having any and feeling guilty that the kids were eating what I was avoiding for health reasons (they also had a spinach quiche each).
I wonder how people who are trying to do diets like Adkins or getting rid of candida and can't do any sugars or carbs whatsoever do it. I guess it would get easier after a while, but it's hard for me to imagine not even having a little fruit. As is clear from my food descriptions, I've been far from sugar-free. But it's MUCH less than what I'm used to, and nothing processed...
What has been helping (or maybe I'm craving it now that the sugar and coffee are out?) are sour foods. When I crave sweets, I feel like I'm craving a brightness that's missing, and there's something bright about tart foods. Tomatoes, kim chee... I even really enjoyed water with a little 100% cranberry juice the other day. It even tasted a little sweet to me (?). I can't imagine drinking a glass of store-bought apple juice or other sweet juice--it would seem sickeningly sweet to me. The kids have been drinking lots more water since I've been doing this and not even asking for juice (except tonight when they wanted Orangina so we squeezed the lemons instead).
I'll have to see what I think about all this after the month+ is over, but today I was thinking (as I was moving along at a snail's pace) that if I feel like I can't/don't want to do this all the time (I find it hard to imagine), that at least I'll cut down on sugar and white flour and keep off the coffee, but go on a fast from them a few times a year like what I'm doing now. If meditating and deep relaxation even a few minutes a day makes a difference, then doing this not all the time but a few times a year would be bound to make a difference too, especially if it's more likely to happen that way than if I try to do it all the time. Who knows?
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Day 13
Back from a birthday party, and yes, I had a piece of cake. A fluffy, not-too-sweet cake with lots of fresh fruit, but a piece of cake nonetheless. A week ago I would have thought this sounded like a transparent excuse, but I truly think it will be better in the long run if I can enjoy something made even with white sugar at special events, provided those special events don't occur every few days! It's not heroin, after all. It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing thing, and not everyone I know eats like I do. Although I really really want to find out how I will feel after having none almost all the time for a month or two.
I did drink water instead of a latte though, and I'm very proud of that. The more I read about coffee the better I feel about quitting. Though I still loooooooooove the stuff!
I should mention that I'm perhaps too knowledgeable about addiction because of issues in my family, with much heavier substances than sugar or coffee, substances with which one can't risk trying to be moderate. So I tend to see addiction through the lens of all the stories, advice, pitfalls, etc. that I've heard over the past year, some of which applies, some of which probably doesn't, or at least not with the same degree of gravity.
However, because of this immersion in the world of addiction and recovery, I've also done a lot of thinking and noticing of short-term rewards vs. long-term, and addictions and habits that cause damage right away vs. over the long-term. Though extremely painful and sometimes fatal, the "hitting rock bottom" caused by hard drug use can be a blessing in disguise, since people are basically forced to get help and learn to live new lives before it's too late. The consequences of using are crystal clear and impossible to ignore. On the other hand, there are countless things we do--on an individual level: regularly consuming things that are a little bad for us, and on a societal level: driving cars, for example, that cause almost no noticeable damage if done once, twice, even 100 times. But add up the effects over the years, or over generations, and it's like a slow, drawn-out version of a drug addict's life spiraling out of control. Like the frog who jumps out when thrown into a pot of boiling water but stays there and boils if he's in there from the beginning and doesn't notice the slow rise in temperature. The question for these "smaller" habits is whether the short-term gain is worth it (feeling alert, getting somewhere fast). Some people have to take medications for certain conditions, and those medications may be hard on the body in other ways, but they're necessary and the benefits outweigh the risks.
I've been drinking coffee for so long (except when pregnant) that it's hard for me to know whether I'm self-medicating or whether I can have an acceptable level of energy and motivation and concentration once off it for a while. I've often told people that I feel like I'm self-medicating for a mild case of ADD, because coffee increases my level of concentration so much, and because growing up, I was always such a daydreamer. In first grade, I missed recess EVERY DAY because I never copied the whole paragraph from the blackboard in time. I was perfectly capable of copying it--I could write--but there was something about staying on task that I couldn't do (it was pretty boring too) and so my punishment was to stay inside and "finish", without any advice on how to do that. I certainly would have been labeled with something nowadays. My the time I was in college, I looked forward to staying up all night with books and papers all around me to write a paper. When many years of one's life has been taken up with primarily mentally taxing responsibilities and interests (both in school and at work), coffee helps sustain that level of mental activity. Although now that I write that I realize that probably the same could be said about physical labor, truck drivers staying up all night... Well, whatever the purpose for drinking it, coffee most certainly, while it can be useful every once in a while, must cause us to be at least somewhat out of touch with our own limits and rhythms of mental and physical rest and activity.
It's interesting though that I didn't start drinking coffee for concentration purposes. I started--I remember this very clearly--consciously using coffee during a break from college where I got really into making things out of fimo. I worked all day, so when I got home around 11pm, I didn't just want to go to bed, I wanted to work on fimo, but I was tired, so I'd make myself some coffee and settle down in the basement for a good few hours of creative fun. So it was to stay awake, not to concentrate. But I guess I soon realized how much it did help me to concentrate and to work effectively at whatever I was doing. I soon started routinely drinking coffee before and during work--I was a canvasser for Greenpeace--and felt like it really helped since I had to be friendly and enthusiastic all the time, which I probably was anyway, but the coffee was like a guarantee. A shortcut, that's what it is, and maybe that's one of the non-health related reasons I want to quit--because I want to be able to come to conclusions and do things and think without a chemical shortcut.
Part of what's also hard about this for me emotionally and physically is that I really like to indulge. I'm in no way ascetic, and I often feel annoyed by people who turn down treats, like they don't know how to enjoy life and are party poopers. You may ask, "Doesn't everyone like to indulge?" I've talked to people who actually enjoy the feeling of control they get from limiting what they eat. Someone said to me the other day that with sweets it's the first few bites that taste the best anyway, after that it's all downhill, why have more than a few bites at all? For me it's not like that--I could eat apple pie and brownies with ice cream and creme brulee and rice pudding all day long. I baked a pumpkin pie last fall and ate THE WHOLE THING (minus one piece for Ko). For me it's almost not worth it to eat just one bite of something really good--I like to have tons, and the strange thing is I usually don't feel stuffed until I eat what most people would consider a disgusting amount of food. Maybe it's partially because I'm nursing, but I think I just also have an extremely fast metabolism. I know that there are obese people who probably don't eat that much more than I do. I also feel hungry most of the time. I am confused by people who "forget to have breakfast" because for me it's the first thing I think of when I get up and if I don't have breakfast I'm going to be nauseous and dizzy and useless within an hour or two. So, calories aren't calories, and my guess is that I'll still be eating plenty, just they'll be good things not replaced by bad things and so I may have fewer blood sugar problems in between and maybe feel satisfied a little more quickly. I should make it very clear that I'm NOT trying to lose weight, just improve my health!! In fact, I wouldn't mind gaining a few pounds.
Anyway, back to liking to indulge, I think that's only natural in that we're probably wired to eat while we can, especially if it's something good. The problem is that as long as you have money and there's food available, we can always get it. I hate that! I don't like identifying my way of eating in the negative--no this, no that. It feels much better to me to try to eat whatever I want, while trying to include as many healthful foods as possible. I'm trying to eat more food that is in season, because it's healthier for obvious reasons, but there's also something relieving in it for me, in that I'm being limited by nature to certain foods that are available at that time. But, since all these foods and drinks are readily available, it is necessary to set limits, annoying as it is.
This past winter I knew there was a snowstorm coming, but couldn't make it to the grocery store for a variety of reasons. I knew I was in for it, since we were almost out of "everything". But, what happened? Necessity is truly the mother of invention, and I baked fresh bread several times (I guess the "fresh" is a little redundant there, eh? I didn't bake stale bread...), soaked beans and made a delicious soup, etc. etc. etc. We had PLENTY in the house, and I probably ate more healthfully than I had the whole week before, and had fun being stuck in the house and cooking.
I have the feeling this journal is going to unearth lots more about my relationship with food than just sugar and coffee!
OK, here is the plan, for one month plus one menstrual period (that way the experiment will include two of those, since this one has been hard and I anticipate that they will be both harder in the beginning and easier in the long run, headache-, mood-, craving- and fatigue-wise):
A brief review of what I've done so far:
Over the course of three days, I weaned myself off of coffee by having less each morning, accompanied by more milk, and none in the afternoon, and quit white sugar cold turkey. These 3 days were very difficult, but I had braced myself and was very determined and also did not have any headaches, both out of luck (timing menstrually and no storms) and because it was the first time I didn't try the coffee cold turkey (during my last pregnancy I quit cold turkey and had a migraine for 3 days).
On the third day I mentioned to a friend what I was doing (just the sugar part) and she said, "Oh, the third day's the hardest!" Wow, was it great to hear that. I've heard so much about how important it is in recovery from addiction to have a road map, some sense of what to expect on the road to recovery. A difficult period is SO much easier to handle when you know it's something everyone goes through and you have some sense of when it will probably end. So it was great to hear that--wish I'd known it before. It certainly was true in my case. The next day I went off coffee altogether, and felt GREAT. In fact, over the next week or so, I felt interestingly calm and collected and also energetic. I also found that excercising (tae kwon do) GAVE me energy and was more invigorating than it was before. I was actually less snappy with the kids during potentially irritating moments (I wouldn't have anticipated that). I had periods of tiredness in the afternoon that I just got through and then went on.
Another thing I've realized is that I've been making all these (other) positive changes in my diet and lifestyle over the past year or so, but that without also cutting out these few "simple" things (coffee, sugar, and white flour), the opportunity for those positive changes to make any difference in my health were being sabotaged.
More on that later--time for a glass of water!
I did drink water instead of a latte though, and I'm very proud of that. The more I read about coffee the better I feel about quitting. Though I still loooooooooove the stuff!
I should mention that I'm perhaps too knowledgeable about addiction because of issues in my family, with much heavier substances than sugar or coffee, substances with which one can't risk trying to be moderate. So I tend to see addiction through the lens of all the stories, advice, pitfalls, etc. that I've heard over the past year, some of which applies, some of which probably doesn't, or at least not with the same degree of gravity.
However, because of this immersion in the world of addiction and recovery, I've also done a lot of thinking and noticing of short-term rewards vs. long-term, and addictions and habits that cause damage right away vs. over the long-term. Though extremely painful and sometimes fatal, the "hitting rock bottom" caused by hard drug use can be a blessing in disguise, since people are basically forced to get help and learn to live new lives before it's too late. The consequences of using are crystal clear and impossible to ignore. On the other hand, there are countless things we do--on an individual level: regularly consuming things that are a little bad for us, and on a societal level: driving cars, for example, that cause almost no noticeable damage if done once, twice, even 100 times. But add up the effects over the years, or over generations, and it's like a slow, drawn-out version of a drug addict's life spiraling out of control. Like the frog who jumps out when thrown into a pot of boiling water but stays there and boils if he's in there from the beginning and doesn't notice the slow rise in temperature. The question for these "smaller" habits is whether the short-term gain is worth it (feeling alert, getting somewhere fast). Some people have to take medications for certain conditions, and those medications may be hard on the body in other ways, but they're necessary and the benefits outweigh the risks.
I've been drinking coffee for so long (except when pregnant) that it's hard for me to know whether I'm self-medicating or whether I can have an acceptable level of energy and motivation and concentration once off it for a while. I've often told people that I feel like I'm self-medicating for a mild case of ADD, because coffee increases my level of concentration so much, and because growing up, I was always such a daydreamer. In first grade, I missed recess EVERY DAY because I never copied the whole paragraph from the blackboard in time. I was perfectly capable of copying it--I could write--but there was something about staying on task that I couldn't do (it was pretty boring too) and so my punishment was to stay inside and "finish", without any advice on how to do that. I certainly would have been labeled with something nowadays. My the time I was in college, I looked forward to staying up all night with books and papers all around me to write a paper. When many years of one's life has been taken up with primarily mentally taxing responsibilities and interests (both in school and at work), coffee helps sustain that level of mental activity. Although now that I write that I realize that probably the same could be said about physical labor, truck drivers staying up all night... Well, whatever the purpose for drinking it, coffee most certainly, while it can be useful every once in a while, must cause us to be at least somewhat out of touch with our own limits and rhythms of mental and physical rest and activity.
It's interesting though that I didn't start drinking coffee for concentration purposes. I started--I remember this very clearly--consciously using coffee during a break from college where I got really into making things out of fimo. I worked all day, so when I got home around 11pm, I didn't just want to go to bed, I wanted to work on fimo, but I was tired, so I'd make myself some coffee and settle down in the basement for a good few hours of creative fun. So it was to stay awake, not to concentrate. But I guess I soon realized how much it did help me to concentrate and to work effectively at whatever I was doing. I soon started routinely drinking coffee before and during work--I was a canvasser for Greenpeace--and felt like it really helped since I had to be friendly and enthusiastic all the time, which I probably was anyway, but the coffee was like a guarantee. A shortcut, that's what it is, and maybe that's one of the non-health related reasons I want to quit--because I want to be able to come to conclusions and do things and think without a chemical shortcut.
Part of what's also hard about this for me emotionally and physically is that I really like to indulge. I'm in no way ascetic, and I often feel annoyed by people who turn down treats, like they don't know how to enjoy life and are party poopers. You may ask, "Doesn't everyone like to indulge?" I've talked to people who actually enjoy the feeling of control they get from limiting what they eat. Someone said to me the other day that with sweets it's the first few bites that taste the best anyway, after that it's all downhill, why have more than a few bites at all? For me it's not like that--I could eat apple pie and brownies with ice cream and creme brulee and rice pudding all day long. I baked a pumpkin pie last fall and ate THE WHOLE THING (minus one piece for Ko). For me it's almost not worth it to eat just one bite of something really good--I like to have tons, and the strange thing is I usually don't feel stuffed until I eat what most people would consider a disgusting amount of food. Maybe it's partially because I'm nursing, but I think I just also have an extremely fast metabolism. I know that there are obese people who probably don't eat that much more than I do. I also feel hungry most of the time. I am confused by people who "forget to have breakfast" because for me it's the first thing I think of when I get up and if I don't have breakfast I'm going to be nauseous and dizzy and useless within an hour or two. So, calories aren't calories, and my guess is that I'll still be eating plenty, just they'll be good things not replaced by bad things and so I may have fewer blood sugar problems in between and maybe feel satisfied a little more quickly. I should make it very clear that I'm NOT trying to lose weight, just improve my health!! In fact, I wouldn't mind gaining a few pounds.
Anyway, back to liking to indulge, I think that's only natural in that we're probably wired to eat while we can, especially if it's something good. The problem is that as long as you have money and there's food available, we can always get it. I hate that! I don't like identifying my way of eating in the negative--no this, no that. It feels much better to me to try to eat whatever I want, while trying to include as many healthful foods as possible. I'm trying to eat more food that is in season, because it's healthier for obvious reasons, but there's also something relieving in it for me, in that I'm being limited by nature to certain foods that are available at that time. But, since all these foods and drinks are readily available, it is necessary to set limits, annoying as it is.
This past winter I knew there was a snowstorm coming, but couldn't make it to the grocery store for a variety of reasons. I knew I was in for it, since we were almost out of "everything". But, what happened? Necessity is truly the mother of invention, and I baked fresh bread several times (I guess the "fresh" is a little redundant there, eh? I didn't bake stale bread...), soaked beans and made a delicious soup, etc. etc. etc. We had PLENTY in the house, and I probably ate more healthfully than I had the whole week before, and had fun being stuck in the house and cooking.
I have the feeling this journal is going to unearth lots more about my relationship with food than just sugar and coffee!
OK, here is the plan, for one month plus one menstrual period (that way the experiment will include two of those, since this one has been hard and I anticipate that they will be both harder in the beginning and easier in the long run, headache-, mood-, craving- and fatigue-wise):
- no coffee or tea
- no white sugar
- no white flour
- 8 glasses of water a day
- journal every day (unless I fall asleep with the kids!)
A brief review of what I've done so far:
Over the course of three days, I weaned myself off of coffee by having less each morning, accompanied by more milk, and none in the afternoon, and quit white sugar cold turkey. These 3 days were very difficult, but I had braced myself and was very determined and also did not have any headaches, both out of luck (timing menstrually and no storms) and because it was the first time I didn't try the coffee cold turkey (during my last pregnancy I quit cold turkey and had a migraine for 3 days).
On the third day I mentioned to a friend what I was doing (just the sugar part) and she said, "Oh, the third day's the hardest!" Wow, was it great to hear that. I've heard so much about how important it is in recovery from addiction to have a road map, some sense of what to expect on the road to recovery. A difficult period is SO much easier to handle when you know it's something everyone goes through and you have some sense of when it will probably end. So it was great to hear that--wish I'd known it before. It certainly was true in my case. The next day I went off coffee altogether, and felt GREAT. In fact, over the next week or so, I felt interestingly calm and collected and also energetic. I also found that excercising (tae kwon do) GAVE me energy and was more invigorating than it was before. I was actually less snappy with the kids during potentially irritating moments (I wouldn't have anticipated that). I had periods of tiredness in the afternoon that I just got through and then went on.
Another thing I've realized is that I've been making all these (other) positive changes in my diet and lifestyle over the past year or so, but that without also cutting out these few "simple" things (coffee, sugar, and white flour), the opportunity for those positive changes to make any difference in my health were being sabotaged.
More on that later--time for a glass of water!
Friday, June 8, 2007
Day 12
Besides the partial mango lassi I drank at our playgroup dinner tonight, successful. However, I don't feel great because I have a headache probably caused by the pounding and stifling heat of today combined with some thunderstorm activity and the end of my period.
I probably need to set some sort of goal now that I'm out of the initial exciting honeymoon period. A month? That seems fair. For now. I should make the final decision when I'm feeling a bit better though.
I probably need to set some sort of goal now that I'm out of the initial exciting honeymoon period. A month? That seems fair. For now. I should make the final decision when I'm feeling a bit better though.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Poem I Found
Now I really have to go, but I just had to share this--this is just about how I feel (except for the decaf part):
:)
http://www.wunderland.com/WTS/Ginohn/poetry/quitting.html
:)
http://www.wunderland.com/WTS/Ginohn/poetry/quitting.html
Entry #1
I LOVE coffee. That's probably not the best way to start a journal that is intended to help me stay off coffee, but it's a fact I'd might as well admit. Can you admit a fact? I guess so. Several people (the ones that took my efforts seriously) recommended journaling as a useful tool to track progress, stay motivated, document symptoms, discover patterns, share experiences and so forth, but ironically, I haven't been able to start this journal until now because...I keep falling asleep at night instead of staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning!!! Guess why...
Anyway, back to the beginning: I love coffee. I love how I feel when I'm about to have a cup of coffee, while I'm having coffee, and for many hours after I've had some coffee. I love sharing coffee and conversation with friends, I love waking up and smelling the coffee and drinking it with my breakfast, I love dipping things in it, I love cappuccino, mocha, espresso straight or sweetened or with cream. I feel absolutely wonderful almost all the time when I've had coffee, except when I have a headache, and even then it usually helps at least a little. I can think better, faster, more clearly than when I'm in my non-coffee state. At least I think so. I guess that's one of the things I'll be trying to find out with this journal. I often doubt whether I'd have made it through college and graduate school without coffee. Or wonder whether I would have made it, but not done as well as I did. Or enjoyed it as much. I wonder whether I could have taught all of those classes, or written all of those lesson plans, or poems, or anything else creative that I tend to really enjoy doing with coffee. Coffee helps me to enjoy things more, to speed up my somewhat daydreamy natural state of being, helps me get things done, which I like, makes interactions with other people more pleasant, helps me be (or at least feel) more creative, happy, and energetic.
If all of this sounds a little melodramatic, I know: I hear myself writing it and saying it to people and I feel ridiculous. Except that I'm totally serious. I feel especially ridiculous talking about it with family and friends who have suffered with addiction, though without knowledge of their experiences I don't know whether I would have had the motivation to stop drinking coffee for these . . . ELEVEN days.
So what do I not like about coffee? Why on earth would I want to stop drinking something that makes me feel so great?? That's what I'm trying to figure out in this journal, or to figure out whether the reasons that I think are worth the effort of quitting are worth it. Of course, when I'm motivated to quit they must seem very much worth it, that's how I got this far, but there will certainly be moments where the reasons do not seem worth it at all, and that's where I think this journal will come in handy.
The things I don't like are these:
This is day eleven, not only of not drinking coffee (the first three days were weaning myself off of the morning cup--by the way, I "only" drank one or two cups a day, but those were absolutely essential), but of no white sugar or flour. I have to go, so I'll go into that more later. I had a little break with the kids both at friends' houses, so I thought I'd start while I could! Also, I'm worried because tomorrow I'm going to work for two hours (I only work occasionally "outside the home" nowadays), and I'm reeeeeeeally going to want to grab an iced coffee drink across the street before I go. Scoring papers for two hours after having some coffee is fun. Scoring papers for two hours without coffee? We shall see...
Anyway, back to the beginning: I love coffee. I love how I feel when I'm about to have a cup of coffee, while I'm having coffee, and for many hours after I've had some coffee. I love sharing coffee and conversation with friends, I love waking up and smelling the coffee and drinking it with my breakfast, I love dipping things in it, I love cappuccino, mocha, espresso straight or sweetened or with cream. I feel absolutely wonderful almost all the time when I've had coffee, except when I have a headache, and even then it usually helps at least a little. I can think better, faster, more clearly than when I'm in my non-coffee state. At least I think so. I guess that's one of the things I'll be trying to find out with this journal. I often doubt whether I'd have made it through college and graduate school without coffee. Or wonder whether I would have made it, but not done as well as I did. Or enjoyed it as much. I wonder whether I could have taught all of those classes, or written all of those lesson plans, or poems, or anything else creative that I tend to really enjoy doing with coffee. Coffee helps me to enjoy things more, to speed up my somewhat daydreamy natural state of being, helps me get things done, which I like, makes interactions with other people more pleasant, helps me be (or at least feel) more creative, happy, and energetic.
If all of this sounds a little melodramatic, I know: I hear myself writing it and saying it to people and I feel ridiculous. Except that I'm totally serious. I feel especially ridiculous talking about it with family and friends who have suffered with addiction, though without knowledge of their experiences I don't know whether I would have had the motivation to stop drinking coffee for these . . . ELEVEN days.
So what do I not like about coffee? Why on earth would I want to stop drinking something that makes me feel so great?? That's what I'm trying to figure out in this journal, or to figure out whether the reasons that I think are worth the effort of quitting are worth it. Of course, when I'm motivated to quit they must seem very much worth it, that's how I got this far, but there will certainly be moments where the reasons do not seem worth it at all, and that's where I think this journal will come in handy.
The things I don't like are these:
- waking up and knowing that if I don't have a cup of coffee in the next hour or two, I'll be cranky with my children, I'll do nothing else but make sure I do get a cup of coffee, and if I don't I'll end up with a terrible migraine
- knowing that I've been pregnant or breastfeeding for the last 7 years, and that during that time the coffee I consumed was, as far as I know, leeching much-needed minerals from my system, which is not good for me or for my children
- knowing that coffee also is a diuretic and that, since I also drank way too little water over the past few years, I've probably been a bit dehydrated
- knowing that coffee exhausts the adrenals, something I'm sure I don't need
- not knowing whether I can have the same level of energy and motivation without drinking coffee, in other words, from within myself
- covering up normal feelings of tiredness with coffee, not giving myself a chance to get through tough moments without a chemical
This is day eleven, not only of not drinking coffee (the first three days were weaning myself off of the morning cup--by the way, I "only" drank one or two cups a day, but those were absolutely essential), but of no white sugar or flour. I have to go, so I'll go into that more later. I had a little break with the kids both at friends' houses, so I thought I'd start while I could! Also, I'm worried because tomorrow I'm going to work for two hours (I only work occasionally "outside the home" nowadays), and I'm reeeeeeeally going to want to grab an iced coffee drink across the street before I go. Scoring papers for two hours after having some coffee is fun. Scoring papers for two hours without coffee? We shall see...
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